Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i already hear my dad disowning me
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
