Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
