His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
