My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
