I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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