I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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