Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hope mine doesn't look like that
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
