it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
