Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Where is the hickey?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
