My liver just broke up with me...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
40s are totally the cure
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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