some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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