people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There are leaves in my underwear?
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