A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
