cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
