Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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