if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
