I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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