God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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