can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
