Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
