woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
