Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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