if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
