god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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