she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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