Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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