Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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