Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
