remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
