Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
