"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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