i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
