My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
