JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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