White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
