he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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