Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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