How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
