I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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