he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
