I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
