tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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