Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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