you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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