I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
