Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
sarcasm needs its own font
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
