Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
