She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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