God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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