I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
These tits shall not be calmed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
